Deployment Reflections

We are down to a matter of weeks left in our deployment. It is quite amazing to me that it is that close. This year has been quite the year. At times when I reflect, I am so proud of the many things that I have accomplished, but many times I feel that there are so many ways I have fallen short. Many say I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but of course, that is just our nature isn't it? Especially now as a mom!

Right now, I am just trying to focus on finishing well. Some days I just would rather give up and coast through the end. But I feel there are lessons still to be learned. God has taught me SO much through this year-- one of the hardest years of my life. Last year at this time, I was facing a deployment that seemed too massive to even comprehend. I was 6 months pregnant and I was about to say goodbye to my husband of only 2 and a half years for a whole year. We were about to spend almost a half of our whole marriage time separated by thousands of miles and war. I pulled myself up by my Army wife boot straps and devised a plan for "my deployment".

Being the "do-er" of ministry, I had already begun planning a prayer group and Bible study for the ladies in our unit. I was going to be a leader in our Care team (which helps minister and care for families who experience the loss or serious injury of their soldier). I was on the board of the Chapel's women's ministry connecting new women to each other and the other women and making them feel welcome. I had a schedule of when Austin would come home for his two week leave and how that would co-incide with the birth of Ezra. It was a good plan...no, a GREAT plan! So I thought!

NONE of this happened the way I planned...not ONE SINGLE THING!! Because Ezra came early, Austin missed the birth, I missed the kickoff for our women's ministry and the bulk of the work for my position, and then...found out my dad had stage 4 cancer! I headed to Texas for several months and did not get to lead the Bible study I had help to start. Through my sleepless state, taking care of a newborn and trying to help my family go through this very tough time...I felt I had failed. All my plans got smashed within a few short weeks. What did God want from me? I don't know if I could even think that question at the time. I was too tired and just trying to push forward.

What do you do when you get nothing you wanted...when it seems like God looks at your plans and says, well those are good things, but I have something else planned. This is what I have been reflecting on at the end of this deployment. Because to top it off, my husband's unit is being delayed several weeks. I have had the tendency these last few weeks to allow seeds of bitterness to be planted in my mind and heart. Many of the women around me said goodbye to their husbands after mine and will see them come home way before. The world says I have a right to be angry and frustrated and bitter. I think anger is ok, but then it needs to be placed in the right place which is not in my mind and heart. I have to give it over. I have to focus on something different NOT on the things I cannot change. I have complete control over my attitude and I have not been seeking the right things to put in my mind. Instead of bringing my frustrations before God, I have brought them before MANY of my friends and family and even facebook!

So yesterday, I reluctantly opened my Bible study which has been gathering dust since March. Not really believing that it would speak directly to my situation, I was again blown away by my God...woah. We are looking at the life of David and his idea to build a temple for God. God's response...good idea, David, but I have something else in mind. "When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead...Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us." I broke...it pierced me in a completely unexpected way. I was supposed to be letting the Lord do something for me, bless me? I cried out to God in my repentance for not coming near enough to Him to let Him do what He wanted which was bless me so I could do the real work He has! So I'm working on that. Seeking to let Him be the one who blesses me so that I in turn can be who He desires me to be and to finish this year well. What a relief that I hadn't failed because my plans didn't happen, my only "failure" was the failure to not come near enough to Him for Him to bless me...bring it on Lord, bring it on.

So, I am working on my attitude...allowing God to transform it especially as my exhaustion from this year presses down hard on me, as a year apart from my husband takes it's toll on my emotions...I'm trying to give it over. To continue to be the best Mom I can be to my amazing little boy and to seek my Father's face. Because I didn't get what I wanted, but if I allow God to bless me...I get more than I wanted. And God has been good, I have a healthy baby boy who is a joy to me. My marriage has grown stronger and I think we appreciate one another more. My husband, Lord willing, will be coming home (many will not). My daddy's cancer is gone and he is working toward walking again very soon. I have amazing friends and family with whom my relationships have grown stronger due to all the challenges. So today, I'm choosing joy over bitterness. I know I will have to choose and choose and choose again!