Deployment Reflections

We are down to a matter of weeks left in our deployment. It is quite amazing to me that it is that close. This year has been quite the year. At times when I reflect, I am so proud of the many things that I have accomplished, but many times I feel that there are so many ways I have fallen short. Many say I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but of course, that is just our nature isn't it? Especially now as a mom!

Right now, I am just trying to focus on finishing well. Some days I just would rather give up and coast through the end. But I feel there are lessons still to be learned. God has taught me SO much through this year-- one of the hardest years of my life. Last year at this time, I was facing a deployment that seemed too massive to even comprehend. I was 6 months pregnant and I was about to say goodbye to my husband of only 2 and a half years for a whole year. We were about to spend almost a half of our whole marriage time separated by thousands of miles and war. I pulled myself up by my Army wife boot straps and devised a plan for "my deployment".

Being the "do-er" of ministry, I had already begun planning a prayer group and Bible study for the ladies in our unit. I was going to be a leader in our Care team (which helps minister and care for families who experience the loss or serious injury of their soldier). I was on the board of the Chapel's women's ministry connecting new women to each other and the other women and making them feel welcome. I had a schedule of when Austin would come home for his two week leave and how that would co-incide with the birth of Ezra. It was a good plan...no, a GREAT plan! So I thought!

NONE of this happened the way I planned...not ONE SINGLE THING!! Because Ezra came early, Austin missed the birth, I missed the kickoff for our women's ministry and the bulk of the work for my position, and then...found out my dad had stage 4 cancer! I headed to Texas for several months and did not get to lead the Bible study I had help to start. Through my sleepless state, taking care of a newborn and trying to help my family go through this very tough time...I felt I had failed. All my plans got smashed within a few short weeks. What did God want from me? I don't know if I could even think that question at the time. I was too tired and just trying to push forward.

What do you do when you get nothing you wanted...when it seems like God looks at your plans and says, well those are good things, but I have something else planned. This is what I have been reflecting on at the end of this deployment. Because to top it off, my husband's unit is being delayed several weeks. I have had the tendency these last few weeks to allow seeds of bitterness to be planted in my mind and heart. Many of the women around me said goodbye to their husbands after mine and will see them come home way before. The world says I have a right to be angry and frustrated and bitter. I think anger is ok, but then it needs to be placed in the right place which is not in my mind and heart. I have to give it over. I have to focus on something different NOT on the things I cannot change. I have complete control over my attitude and I have not been seeking the right things to put in my mind. Instead of bringing my frustrations before God, I have brought them before MANY of my friends and family and even facebook!

So yesterday, I reluctantly opened my Bible study which has been gathering dust since March. Not really believing that it would speak directly to my situation, I was again blown away by my God...woah. We are looking at the life of David and his idea to build a temple for God. God's response...good idea, David, but I have something else in mind. "When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead...Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us." I broke...it pierced me in a completely unexpected way. I was supposed to be letting the Lord do something for me, bless me? I cried out to God in my repentance for not coming near enough to Him to let Him do what He wanted which was bless me so I could do the real work He has! So I'm working on that. Seeking to let Him be the one who blesses me so that I in turn can be who He desires me to be and to finish this year well. What a relief that I hadn't failed because my plans didn't happen, my only "failure" was the failure to not come near enough to Him for Him to bless me...bring it on Lord, bring it on.

So, I am working on my attitude...allowing God to transform it especially as my exhaustion from this year presses down hard on me, as a year apart from my husband takes it's toll on my emotions...I'm trying to give it over. To continue to be the best Mom I can be to my amazing little boy and to seek my Father's face. Because I didn't get what I wanted, but if I allow God to bless me...I get more than I wanted. And God has been good, I have a healthy baby boy who is a joy to me. My marriage has grown stronger and I think we appreciate one another more. My husband, Lord willing, will be coming home (many will not). My daddy's cancer is gone and he is working toward walking again very soon. I have amazing friends and family with whom my relationships have grown stronger due to all the challenges. So today, I'm choosing joy over bitterness. I know I will have to choose and choose and choose again!

6 Months Old Today!

My Little Man,

You are 6 months old today! I cannot believe that you have been with me that long, yet it's hard for me to remember life now without you. You are the biggest joy for me everyday. You make me smile and laugh all day long! Your smile and charm are infectious. Everyone around you has to smile when you look at them with those big blue eyes and sweetly raise your eyebrows at them to let them know you are interested!

Right now, your favorite things to do are eat (of course), jump in your jumper, look at mommy and laugh, play peek-a-boo, and play on your activity mat with all of your toys! You also are very interested in the TV, laptop, cell phone, remotes, etc. You love to grab your feet, and mommy's face! You know how to give me kisses and I love when you grab my face and plant one on me! You are so expressive and I love that! You know how to sit up (still working on sitting up and not falling over at some point), push up on all fours (no crawling yet), roll over from back to front and front to back. You now roll over to your stomach to sleep and can sleep pretty well unswaddled. You sleep most of the time through the night, but still like to see mommy in the middle of the night for a snack every once in awhile! You take 3 pretty good naps a day although I'm never quite sure how long they will be!

This week we will try solid foods (in addition to rice cereal) for the first time and I'm looking forward to trying to make all of your first foods homemade!

Ezra, there is never a dull moment with you. You teach me so much about enjoying every moment of life as I watch you explore and uncover the secrets of your new world. It's amazing to watch you grow, learn, and change and I am so beyond blessed to be your mommy. I know that Daddy can hardly wait to be back here to play with you and teach you things only a daddy can teach you. He's away for now so that he can help soldiers and tell them about Jesus as they fight for our freedom. He loves you just as much as I do! We cannot wait to be a family again with you!

I love you more than words could express. Thank you for brining me joy each day and putting up with me as I learn to be your mommy! Happy 1/2 year Birthday to you!

The End of an Era, A Great New Year

So as 2009 came to a close, I began to reflect over the past decade. I turned 20 years old in 2000 and was a junior in college not knowing what lie ahead for the next 10 years of my life. During this decade, I moved to upstate NY for almost 4 years doing campus ministry, graduated from college, met and married my husband, graduated from seminary, lived in 4 different states, and had a beautiful baby boy! Wow! What a decade. I celebrate the end of it and the beginning of the '10's (?) by turning 30 next week! I would say it was a pretty great 10 years. God taught me so much through challenging me as a single person, ministry, a wife and now a mother. It is truly the end of an era, but more importantly it is the beginning of a new chapter and a great new year!

This year my husband comes home from a year at war, my dad WILL defeat his cancer and be healed completely, my little baby will turn a year old, and my baby sister will have her first child! I'm looking forward to all God has for our family. 2009 was a challenging year spiritually, emotionally, and physically and I don't regret the challenges we have had to walk through because of where they have brought us. I feel that we have all learned about serving one another, putting others above yourself. We have learned to depend on God for things out of our control--pretty much everything right now! I have gotten to know my family in a new way spending months with my grandparents who celebrated 61 years of marriage this years. Living in a house with 4 generations will certainly teach you some things! I have become closer to my dad as we have had several great spiritual conversations. My mom has become my mentor as a mom and of course, an even closer friend! My sister and I have drawn closer as we watch our parents walk through this difficult journey. Austin and I have learned the importance of a marriage grounded in our Savior and working at communicating well. We are more grateful than ever for one another! I have learned the beauty of being a mom. It is truly an experience like no other. It is hard, wonderful, scary, exciting, fulfilling, fun, challenging, emotional, fantastic, and sleep depriving...the most rewarding thing I have ever done thus far! My little boy will turn 5 months old next week. I can't believe he has been in my life that long, yet I can't imagine my life without him in it! (Will post specifically about Ezra next post!)

Oh what a decade it was! But as I look back and reflect, I see the thread of a God seeking to make us a little more like him and a God who is continually wooing us to himself. I am grateful and my hope is that he will be glorified above all else in my life and the life of my family! Let's do this 2010!