Almost Half Way...

So I wanted to be one who writes on my blog more...Wasn't sure what to write about today. Austin and I are almost half way through our deployment which seems totally crazy. We have been apart now for almost 6 mos. I didn't think I could do it, and I cannot! Only God has sustanined me through all of this craziness. It has been 2mos (almost 3mos) since I saw my hubby last. Communication has not been great as he has moved locations and they are not yet completely set up. We have only been able to talk twice a week at best. We still have email and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for a husband who loves the Lord, loves people, loves his country, loves his son, and especially who loves and cares for me despite the miles between us. I am thankful for my beautiful son who I fall more in love with every day...wow it is such a challenge and a blessing to be a mom! I am thankful for my awesome support system of women here in Colorado Springs...I could not do this deployment as well without all their help and encouragement. I pray that I am as much of a blessing to them. I am thankful for my family who are so loving and supportive of me even when they are going through one of the biggest trials of their lives! I am thankful for the ministry we have to the soldiers and their wives, the beautiful house I am living in FOR FREE, all we have been provided...and mostly thankful for a God and a Savior who provide for my every need and who is worth worshipping...Ok so I guess I needed to just be thankful. It puts me in the right mindset everytime. I'll just include some pics of a few of these I am thankful for!

Fear

It's hard to see the fear inside
As I walk away from you
And distance overcomes the miles
As slowly I pull through
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from you
And the more I think, the more I cry
As I walk away from you

[Chorus:]
I'm two steps away
From loneliness
I'm awake
From the mess we made
I'm alive
And I'm feeling incomplete

I don't understand my life
Or the version that chose you
And the warring hearts and winter came
Now there's nothing left to do
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from two
And the more I think, the more we die
As I walk away from you



As I watched this dance last night on So You Think You Can Dance. I was moved to tears. For most people, they cannot understand how dance might do this to you. But many times as I have watched people dancing I have seen God move in my life. This beautiful dance portrays a woman struggling with fear. For many women with deployed husbands, this is a huge struggle for them. I remember before Austin left for Afghanistan people would ask me if I was afraid for his safety or even his life. My answer was usually, "No, he's a chaplain. He doesn't carry a weapon or go into battle." I was completely unaware that Satan was getting ready to attack every ounce of my being with fear throughout the next few months. Sometimes I had reason to be afraid as Austin traveled on dangerous roads to meet with soldiers in other areas, but sometimes I just felt fear as a cloud over me. I never expected to struggle in this way and Satan's arrows were fierce and unsuspecting. Now that I have realized my struggle with fear, I have to bring it sometimes daily before God because I cannot hold onto it. I would drown beneath it. Maybe your fear is different than mine, but fear is a tool Satan uses to make us ineffective where we "cannot reach the world today." I hope you can take from this secular expression of fear and see the spiritual battle it represents in so many of our lives.

Everyone Needs a Battle Buddy (or 2!)

In the army, soldiers have battle buddies. Another comrade to look out for them in the heat and unpredictableness of the battle. I think Army wives need the same, especially during the deployment.

Today, as I was walking around running errands, I was thanking God for my battle buddies. Of course, my family would fall into the category of helpful and a blessing to me during this time of separation from Austin. But, nothing compares to people who are walking right there along with you in the same situation. I am blessed to call some very special women my battle buddies!

Kim is one of my battle buddies who is actually staying with me right now. Her and her husband and son are living with us right now. They are about to move to NY and I'm about to have to say goodbye to a very very good friend. Kim and I have only known each other a little over a year, but have been apart of some very big things in each others' lives. I was with her for her whole deployment and she has been with me through about half of mine. She has been my labor coach and was actually there for the birth of Ezra! We have done life together. Right now, she has been an incredible blessing by helping me with Ezra and even feeding him in the middle of the night so I could sleep a whole 8 hours! She has cooked meals now and almost the whole summer for me when Austin and Joe were both deployed. We continually bounce things off each other from relationships and parenting to spiritual things. Man, I'm gonna miss her!

So in many ways I feel like this year is so hard because my husband is gone and I have a new baby... but if not for these things I wouldn't get to know the joy and blessing of this kind of friendship! God has definitely met all my needs during this time and many times it has been with people like Kim!

Not what I had planned...

I have thought about blogging many times in the last 10 weeks about what has been going on in my life and my family's life, but every time I tried I just felt overwhelmed. This was not what I had planned...

Ezra came 2 weeks early...
Austin missed the birth...
Austin comes home for R&R two weeks early...
My dad's back problems turned into cancer - stage 4 lymphoma...

I had planned that my husband would be gone this year, but in my plans things would go much different. I had tons of things planned to make my year go by faster; to make a difference ministering to soldiers' wives; to improve myself in the process. Things don't always go as planned, but I have no doubt that God is using this time to strengthen me and mold me into the woman he wants me to be. The result...

Ezra has gotten to be around his grandparents...
I have gotten to be closer to my family...
My dad has Ezra as his little ray of hope admist sickness...
I am able to bless my family and help them during their time of need...
I'm learning what a blessing people can be in your life when you have true needs...
I'm hoping it makes me a better "blesser" of people in the future...

Definitely not what I had planned, but most likely better!

Often times

Ezra's Birth Story

From Heather's Perspective:

My pregnancy had been mostly textbook until my 36 week check up when my blood pressure was high twice in a row. The dr sent me to be monitored in the antepartum testing where they test my blood pressure, the baby's heart beat, and do an ultrasound on my amniotic fluid. Everything was great, but because it happened once, I would have to come for testing twice a week until Ezra arrived. The next week, I continued to get tested and on Tuesday night (actually 2am on Wednesday) I was feeling awful and was throwing up, so I finally convinced myself I needed to go be checked out. Because I was over 20 weeks pregnant, I had to pass through the ER and head to Labor and Delivery. I was there for over 5 hours as they monitored me and gave me medicine for my nausea. I went home exhausted, but Ezra and I were both ok and all the tests came back fine. I didn't have pre-eclampsia like they kept expecting. I remember just laying there praying that they would come back negative because if I was pre-eclampsic, they would have to induce labor and Austin would miss it...little did I know!

On Friday morning, August 21 at about 5 am I awoke (which was normal during pregnancy), but I didn't feel like I just had to pee. I stood up and I knew something was up. I made it to the bathroom and sure enough my water had broke! I was so upset...this was not supposed to be happening right now. I knew that Austin would not see little Ezra born. I called my mom crying and she just told me she would be on her way and to get to the hospital. I called my local support system that I swore I would not have to use! Kim, whose husband had just returned from Iraq, didn't have her phone near her. She was my fill in labor coach. I got a hold of Corie. We who have husbands deployed tend to have our phones close by! She would have to get child care and get her oldest off to school. I was not in pain, so I decided to drive myself to the hospital. (I joked that I would do this anyway since the hospital is literally 2 minutes from my house.) I took a shower and tried to get my things together. I was trying so hard to think of everything, but it was so hard to get my mind focused. I finally made it to the hospital at 6 am...I know, I know what took me so long. I was so not prepared to be giving birth 2 weeks early. My house was a mess because I had been sick that week and was planning to clean up that weekend. Ezra's nursery was not quite finished and my hospital bag was only half packed. But most of all, Austin was not here yet!!

By 9 am, they had me in a room and my friend Corie had arrived. I was still having no strong contractions. Kim showed up about 20 minutes later. Both of my friends brought things to do like cards and movies and music. We just enjoyed our time as 2 other friends, Jennifer and Emily stopped by. They finally started me on pitocin (to get the contractions going) at about 11:30am. My mom finally arrived at the hospital around 2:30pm after getting lost on the way to the post and having trouble getting on because my cousin, Raina, who drove her didn't know her insurance was expired! When Nana (that's what my mom is now to be called) got there, I was still not having really strong contractions and was not in any pain. By early evening, the pain began to get stronger as my contractions came closer together and harder. My midwife said she wanted me breathing through my contractions and being in true active labor before she gave me the go ahead for an epidural. I was in quite a bit of pain, but only dialated to 2cm. I asked if I could have something to take the edge off, but not anything that would make me loopy or out of it. So they gave me some meds through my IV. It felt great at first to have some relief, but about 20 minutes later the pain was coming through strong again!

Next time they checked me, I was at 3cm and in a lot of painso the midwife gave the go ahead for the epidural. I was never so glad to see a person (the anesthesiologist) in my life! He was definitely my hero at that point. I was unsure as to whether or not I would even get an epidural, but after that pitocin kicked in, it was like I was just constantly having a contraction. They took my breath away and literally my whole body bore the brunt of that pain! After the epidural began its work, I felt amazing! I was truly able to enjoy my birth experience. There are some people that argue that it slows down labor, but that was not the case with me at all! I went from a 3 to a 6 shortly after and in a few hours was already at a 10! Ready to push before I knew it!

The new midwife came on duty that evening and she was amazing. She was very peaceful and put me at ease. In between pushes, I was just joking and laughing with my nurses, Kim and my mom. I was so ready to have that kiddo out and in my arms. I was determined to push him out quick which I did. In 30 minutes at 11:50pm, out came little Ezra Austin Vann. They almost immediately put him on me after cutting the cord (which my mom got to do). Kim, my mom and I just looked at each other and cried. It was quite an amazing experience. They took Ezra to the other side of the room to get his vitals and clean him up and a few minutes after that, Austin called. It was perfect timing! He had no idea Ezra was born or that I was even close. I told him, "You're a daddy! You have a son!" He was so happy!! We spoke the whole time they were getting Ezra all cleaned up and when they brought him over to me, I held the phone up to his little ear so daddy could talk to him! Ezra was bright eyed and alert listening to his daddy.

So in all I was in "labor" for 19 hours, pushed for 30 min, and gained the sweetest little boy for a lifetime! I would do it again in a heartbeat. After being so sad that Austin missed such a happy day, I feel the Lord blessed my birth experience and was with us at every turn. So many people prayed with us and for us that day! I thank God for such wonderful friends who did everything they could to make the experience perfect! God provided for my every need even with my husband gone. And Austin was able to leave on a plane right after Ezra was born and was home several hours after I was discharged from the hospital.

I will have Austin post the experience from his side very soon!

Ezra Austin Vann Has Arrived

So for those of you who hadn't heard. Our little boy entered the world 2 weeks early (by our plans) on August 21, 2009 at 11:50pm. He weighed 6lbs. and 9 oz. and was 19 and a half inches long...and beautifully perfect! Austin did not make it back in time for the birth, but arrived on emergency leave 2 days later. Since we are busy getting into a new routine and spending time as a family for the next two weeks, I may or may not get to posting more for a little while. I will post the whole birth story very soon! For now, know that we have a healthy beautiful baby boy and we are all together for a short while. We are just reveling in God's many blessings in our lives!

Taking Communication for Granted

I knew during this deployment that communication would be important, but I did not understand what a lifeline it would be. Since Austin departed I rarely am without my phone right beside me or in hand. I have a blackberry that lights up when I have an email or facebook update. As soon as I see that light, I'm on that phone checking to see if I have a message for my hubby. Until Austin is actually at his place of residence for the year, we have no routine for communication. First, I just got to hear where he was through his chaplain assistant's wife (they have a satellite phone). Since then I have had two calls, one that lasted 6 minutes and another that lasted 20 minutes, but was staticky and hard to hear. I have gotten a few emails at random. I read each one at least 20 times cherishing the words from my love and trying to imagine where he is at and what he is doing!! Tonight was frustration, as I got a call from the chap. asst. wife saying that Austin had tried to call me!! WHAT!?!? So I tried to call him to the satellite phone and all I got was a message telling me the number was disconnected!! I called her back and she texted her husband. Finally, I got a call and it was Austin!! We talked for maybe a minute (expensive and he was on the move again), but I just soaked in hearing his voice and hearing him say I love you. Thank the Lord for technology...I would not survived being an army wife in WWII!!

It just makes me so completely appreciative of every little bit of communication I get. I try not to get frustrated and bitter as I might have more communication than some are able to have. I just try to relish in each time we have some sort of contact and let that take me to the next time! All I know is I will never ever look at a phone call, email, text, or any connection from my hubby the same way again!