Being Thankful

I am continually learning how selfish I can be. I think having a baby will do that to you! Just a few months ago I was fighting to get more than 3 hours of sleep a night and once Ezra began sleeping through the night, I had more "me" time. I felt like a new person and who can blame a new mom for feeling so great once her baby was sleeping more. I was getting more sleep and getting more done...heavenly!

Then on our trip back to TX for the holidays, Ezra went through his 3 month growth spurt- eating like crazy and not sleeping. My little angel who slept for 11 hours at night was waking me at all hours and NOT going back to sleep. My attitude became bad...I had a right to MY sleep. Didn't my 3 month old realize he was cutting into MY time??? No, he didn't. And again I realize I am selfish. I know it's tough being a mom (toughest and most rewarding job I've ever had!), but my heart attitude effected me and I found myself angry and frustrated. I was reading The Baby Whisperer and online looking for solutions all day and night!

Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, it occured to me as I was holding my little boy trying to get him to take a nap that I was not being thankful at all. I said I was thankful for him and yet I was frustrated at something that was not his fault. The rest of that day, when he cried, I reminded myself to be thankful that his lungs work so well. When he woke me up in the night to eat, I thought how thankful I am he can eat on his own and doesn't have to have a feeding tube. When he smiles at the sound of my voice or cries at the sound of it because he's hungry, I remind myself to be thankful that he can hear me. He is healthy and happy, and as I became thankful, I found joy at being his mom again--even when he awoke at 4:30am. So I'm learning to be thankful even when things are hard because I am so blessed. And, God gives me the strength and grace each day to be a good mom despite sleepless nights!


How could I not be thankful for this little guy!


Yes he is always this happy!

I Miss My Men

Most of you know that my husband is deployed and, of course, I miss him on a daily basis. There are times when I just feel like half a person. God is faithful to complete me emotionally, but their are times where I just want a man to do something for me. It may sound silly, but I miss a partner to do life with. Someone who is also Ezra's parent to comfort him and feed him his 6am bottle or 4am when he's going through a growth spurt. To take out the trash, take care of the cars, and help me make decisions. I can do all these things myself...that's not the point. I just miss someone to do them. I miss my Austin.

I also find myself back in Houston missing my dad. Yes he is here and fighting his cancer so strongly, but the dad I know is not here right now. I hurt for him that he can't do the things he wants and loves to do right now. On the way to Houston from Dallas, Ezra's portable swing broke. I was just thinking I wish my daddy was here to fix it. Maybe that is a selfish reason to want him here and healthy, but serving us girls is one way my dad shows love to us. I know he misses it as much as we do. Now here we are taking care of him, serving him. We do it gratefully, but we miss our dad and our husbands as we ladies depend on the Lord and one another to get those things done.

I love you Austin, and miss you and your partnership. I love you dad...let's kick this cancer in the rear!

Almost Half Way...

So I wanted to be one who writes on my blog more...Wasn't sure what to write about today. Austin and I are almost half way through our deployment which seems totally crazy. We have been apart now for almost 6 mos. I didn't think I could do it, and I cannot! Only God has sustanined me through all of this craziness. It has been 2mos (almost 3mos) since I saw my hubby last. Communication has not been great as he has moved locations and they are not yet completely set up. We have only been able to talk twice a week at best. We still have email and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for a husband who loves the Lord, loves people, loves his country, loves his son, and especially who loves and cares for me despite the miles between us. I am thankful for my beautiful son who I fall more in love with every day...wow it is such a challenge and a blessing to be a mom! I am thankful for my awesome support system of women here in Colorado Springs...I could not do this deployment as well without all their help and encouragement. I pray that I am as much of a blessing to them. I am thankful for my family who are so loving and supportive of me even when they are going through one of the biggest trials of their lives! I am thankful for the ministry we have to the soldiers and their wives, the beautiful house I am living in FOR FREE, all we have been provided...and mostly thankful for a God and a Savior who provide for my every need and who is worth worshipping...Ok so I guess I needed to just be thankful. It puts me in the right mindset everytime. I'll just include some pics of a few of these I am thankful for!

Fear

It's hard to see the fear inside
As I walk away from you
And distance overcomes the miles
As slowly I pull through
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from you
And the more I think, the more I cry
As I walk away from you

[Chorus:]
I'm two steps away
From loneliness
I'm awake
From the mess we made
I'm alive
And I'm feeling incomplete

I don't understand my life
Or the version that chose you
And the warring hearts and winter came
Now there's nothing left to do
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from two
And the more I think, the more we die
As I walk away from you



As I watched this dance last night on So You Think You Can Dance. I was moved to tears. For most people, they cannot understand how dance might do this to you. But many times as I have watched people dancing I have seen God move in my life. This beautiful dance portrays a woman struggling with fear. For many women with deployed husbands, this is a huge struggle for them. I remember before Austin left for Afghanistan people would ask me if I was afraid for his safety or even his life. My answer was usually, "No, he's a chaplain. He doesn't carry a weapon or go into battle." I was completely unaware that Satan was getting ready to attack every ounce of my being with fear throughout the next few months. Sometimes I had reason to be afraid as Austin traveled on dangerous roads to meet with soldiers in other areas, but sometimes I just felt fear as a cloud over me. I never expected to struggle in this way and Satan's arrows were fierce and unsuspecting. Now that I have realized my struggle with fear, I have to bring it sometimes daily before God because I cannot hold onto it. I would drown beneath it. Maybe your fear is different than mine, but fear is a tool Satan uses to make us ineffective where we "cannot reach the world today." I hope you can take from this secular expression of fear and see the spiritual battle it represents in so many of our lives.

Everyone Needs a Battle Buddy (or 2!)

In the army, soldiers have battle buddies. Another comrade to look out for them in the heat and unpredictableness of the battle. I think Army wives need the same, especially during the deployment.

Today, as I was walking around running errands, I was thanking God for my battle buddies. Of course, my family would fall into the category of helpful and a blessing to me during this time of separation from Austin. But, nothing compares to people who are walking right there along with you in the same situation. I am blessed to call some very special women my battle buddies!

Kim is one of my battle buddies who is actually staying with me right now. Her and her husband and son are living with us right now. They are about to move to NY and I'm about to have to say goodbye to a very very good friend. Kim and I have only known each other a little over a year, but have been apart of some very big things in each others' lives. I was with her for her whole deployment and she has been with me through about half of mine. She has been my labor coach and was actually there for the birth of Ezra! We have done life together. Right now, she has been an incredible blessing by helping me with Ezra and even feeding him in the middle of the night so I could sleep a whole 8 hours! She has cooked meals now and almost the whole summer for me when Austin and Joe were both deployed. We continually bounce things off each other from relationships and parenting to spiritual things. Man, I'm gonna miss her!

So in many ways I feel like this year is so hard because my husband is gone and I have a new baby... but if not for these things I wouldn't get to know the joy and blessing of this kind of friendship! God has definitely met all my needs during this time and many times it has been with people like Kim!

Not what I had planned...

I have thought about blogging many times in the last 10 weeks about what has been going on in my life and my family's life, but every time I tried I just felt overwhelmed. This was not what I had planned...

Ezra came 2 weeks early...
Austin missed the birth...
Austin comes home for R&R two weeks early...
My dad's back problems turned into cancer - stage 4 lymphoma...

I had planned that my husband would be gone this year, but in my plans things would go much different. I had tons of things planned to make my year go by faster; to make a difference ministering to soldiers' wives; to improve myself in the process. Things don't always go as planned, but I have no doubt that God is using this time to strengthen me and mold me into the woman he wants me to be. The result...

Ezra has gotten to be around his grandparents...
I have gotten to be closer to my family...
My dad has Ezra as his little ray of hope admist sickness...
I am able to bless my family and help them during their time of need...
I'm learning what a blessing people can be in your life when you have true needs...
I'm hoping it makes me a better "blesser" of people in the future...

Definitely not what I had planned, but most likely better!

Often times

Ezra's Birth Story

From Heather's Perspective:

My pregnancy had been mostly textbook until my 36 week check up when my blood pressure was high twice in a row. The dr sent me to be monitored in the antepartum testing where they test my blood pressure, the baby's heart beat, and do an ultrasound on my amniotic fluid. Everything was great, but because it happened once, I would have to come for testing twice a week until Ezra arrived. The next week, I continued to get tested and on Tuesday night (actually 2am on Wednesday) I was feeling awful and was throwing up, so I finally convinced myself I needed to go be checked out. Because I was over 20 weeks pregnant, I had to pass through the ER and head to Labor and Delivery. I was there for over 5 hours as they monitored me and gave me medicine for my nausea. I went home exhausted, but Ezra and I were both ok and all the tests came back fine. I didn't have pre-eclampsia like they kept expecting. I remember just laying there praying that they would come back negative because if I was pre-eclampsic, they would have to induce labor and Austin would miss it...little did I know!

On Friday morning, August 21 at about 5 am I awoke (which was normal during pregnancy), but I didn't feel like I just had to pee. I stood up and I knew something was up. I made it to the bathroom and sure enough my water had broke! I was so upset...this was not supposed to be happening right now. I knew that Austin would not see little Ezra born. I called my mom crying and she just told me she would be on her way and to get to the hospital. I called my local support system that I swore I would not have to use! Kim, whose husband had just returned from Iraq, didn't have her phone near her. She was my fill in labor coach. I got a hold of Corie. We who have husbands deployed tend to have our phones close by! She would have to get child care and get her oldest off to school. I was not in pain, so I decided to drive myself to the hospital. (I joked that I would do this anyway since the hospital is literally 2 minutes from my house.) I took a shower and tried to get my things together. I was trying so hard to think of everything, but it was so hard to get my mind focused. I finally made it to the hospital at 6 am...I know, I know what took me so long. I was so not prepared to be giving birth 2 weeks early. My house was a mess because I had been sick that week and was planning to clean up that weekend. Ezra's nursery was not quite finished and my hospital bag was only half packed. But most of all, Austin was not here yet!!

By 9 am, they had me in a room and my friend Corie had arrived. I was still having no strong contractions. Kim showed up about 20 minutes later. Both of my friends brought things to do like cards and movies and music. We just enjoyed our time as 2 other friends, Jennifer and Emily stopped by. They finally started me on pitocin (to get the contractions going) at about 11:30am. My mom finally arrived at the hospital around 2:30pm after getting lost on the way to the post and having trouble getting on because my cousin, Raina, who drove her didn't know her insurance was expired! When Nana (that's what my mom is now to be called) got there, I was still not having really strong contractions and was not in any pain. By early evening, the pain began to get stronger as my contractions came closer together and harder. My midwife said she wanted me breathing through my contractions and being in true active labor before she gave me the go ahead for an epidural. I was in quite a bit of pain, but only dialated to 2cm. I asked if I could have something to take the edge off, but not anything that would make me loopy or out of it. So they gave me some meds through my IV. It felt great at first to have some relief, but about 20 minutes later the pain was coming through strong again!

Next time they checked me, I was at 3cm and in a lot of painso the midwife gave the go ahead for the epidural. I was never so glad to see a person (the anesthesiologist) in my life! He was definitely my hero at that point. I was unsure as to whether or not I would even get an epidural, but after that pitocin kicked in, it was like I was just constantly having a contraction. They took my breath away and literally my whole body bore the brunt of that pain! After the epidural began its work, I felt amazing! I was truly able to enjoy my birth experience. There are some people that argue that it slows down labor, but that was not the case with me at all! I went from a 3 to a 6 shortly after and in a few hours was already at a 10! Ready to push before I knew it!

The new midwife came on duty that evening and she was amazing. She was very peaceful and put me at ease. In between pushes, I was just joking and laughing with my nurses, Kim and my mom. I was so ready to have that kiddo out and in my arms. I was determined to push him out quick which I did. In 30 minutes at 11:50pm, out came little Ezra Austin Vann. They almost immediately put him on me after cutting the cord (which my mom got to do). Kim, my mom and I just looked at each other and cried. It was quite an amazing experience. They took Ezra to the other side of the room to get his vitals and clean him up and a few minutes after that, Austin called. It was perfect timing! He had no idea Ezra was born or that I was even close. I told him, "You're a daddy! You have a son!" He was so happy!! We spoke the whole time they were getting Ezra all cleaned up and when they brought him over to me, I held the phone up to his little ear so daddy could talk to him! Ezra was bright eyed and alert listening to his daddy.

So in all I was in "labor" for 19 hours, pushed for 30 min, and gained the sweetest little boy for a lifetime! I would do it again in a heartbeat. After being so sad that Austin missed such a happy day, I feel the Lord blessed my birth experience and was with us at every turn. So many people prayed with us and for us that day! I thank God for such wonderful friends who did everything they could to make the experience perfect! God provided for my every need even with my husband gone. And Austin was able to leave on a plane right after Ezra was born and was home several hours after I was discharged from the hospital.

I will have Austin post the experience from his side very soon!

Ezra Austin Vann Has Arrived

So for those of you who hadn't heard. Our little boy entered the world 2 weeks early (by our plans) on August 21, 2009 at 11:50pm. He weighed 6lbs. and 9 oz. and was 19 and a half inches long...and beautifully perfect! Austin did not make it back in time for the birth, but arrived on emergency leave 2 days later. Since we are busy getting into a new routine and spending time as a family for the next two weeks, I may or may not get to posting more for a little while. I will post the whole birth story very soon! For now, know that we have a healthy beautiful baby boy and we are all together for a short while. We are just reveling in God's many blessings in our lives!

Taking Communication for Granted

I knew during this deployment that communication would be important, but I did not understand what a lifeline it would be. Since Austin departed I rarely am without my phone right beside me or in hand. I have a blackberry that lights up when I have an email or facebook update. As soon as I see that light, I'm on that phone checking to see if I have a message for my hubby. Until Austin is actually at his place of residence for the year, we have no routine for communication. First, I just got to hear where he was through his chaplain assistant's wife (they have a satellite phone). Since then I have had two calls, one that lasted 6 minutes and another that lasted 20 minutes, but was staticky and hard to hear. I have gotten a few emails at random. I read each one at least 20 times cherishing the words from my love and trying to imagine where he is at and what he is doing!! Tonight was frustration, as I got a call from the chap. asst. wife saying that Austin had tried to call me!! WHAT!?!? So I tried to call him to the satellite phone and all I got was a message telling me the number was disconnected!! I called her back and she texted her husband. Finally, I got a call and it was Austin!! We talked for maybe a minute (expensive and he was on the move again), but I just soaked in hearing his voice and hearing him say I love you. Thank the Lord for technology...I would not survived being an army wife in WWII!!

It just makes me so completely appreciative of every little bit of communication I get. I try not to get frustrated and bitter as I might have more communication than some are able to have. I just try to relish in each time we have some sort of contact and let that take me to the next time! All I know is I will never ever look at a phone call, email, text, or any connection from my hubby the same way again!

He Gives out of His Abundance

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Most of this time this passage is used when talking about giving. I believe that is its rightful context as Paul is talking to the church in Philippi. But I also believe it says something about the character of our God. He meets ALL our needs according to His Glorious Riches and His abundance. Do I imagine God dancing around heaven in pools of gold as His glorious riches?...no not really! Are all my needs monetary?...not usually. Even though I know the Lord has provided for us financially during this season, and I praise Him greatly for that, I have a deeper need. I have a need for him to meet my loneliness.

I dealt with loneliness being single after college and doing ministry up in the cold northeastern part of the country. It was a struggle, but God was there meeting my need from His abundance and not from my own or anyone else's. I have spent the last couple of days very busy to keep my mind of of Austin being deployed and enjoying new and old relationships. On Sunday evening I had spent most of the weekend with people and had thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yet, I laid down to sleep and a flood of loneliness and aching for my husband washed over me. I told myself...no more tears, but they came. I fought the thoughts of, "God, why did you give me a husband just to be separated from him 2 years later." or "I can't do this for a whole year." I consoled myself to sleep. I awoke in a funk the next morning with my loneliness still uncured. I simply said to God, "I just need to talk to him." I spent the morning with God asking him to basically meet my needs and to use me that day.

Our God is so kind and you know what...He will meet ALL our needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. I spent the day out and about and the Lord met my needs as I served others and had great conversations with a Godly friend. Then that evening as I am expecting nothing else...a phone call comes in. It was Austin! God had heard my simple plea and He was gracious and kind with me. He had already filled me up that day with His peace, yet He gave me this kindness...a 20 minute conversation with my hubby. Granted, the phone call was full of static and I could barely hear Austin at times, but my heart was truly full and I knew it was from God! He knows what we need and He gives out of His Great Abundance! Be encouraged in this!

Great Anticipation turns to Great Expectation

I know many of you who are praying for Austin and I as we enter this time of separation due to deployment are wondering how we are doing. I just heard from our chaplain assistant's wife, that Austin has made it safely over seas all though it will be a few days before they make it to their final destination and he said to tell me that he loves me! On my side, the one I can speak more completely on, I'm doing really well. No, I'm not just saying that. I can't tell you what the anticipation for the last 9 months and especially the last couple of months has been like. I have had all the emotions that have ever existed. Sadness, anxiousness, excitement, grief, panic, joy, peace...you name it!! Anticipation was many times the enemy of enjoying time together. We put our last few weeks into making sure all the loose ends were tied up as we would be apart for the most part of a year.

The day before he left, his day to leave got moved up. I had awoken that day already in a funk. I even spent sometime with the Lord in the Word and yet I was just down. When Austin told me he would leave Wednesday rather than Thursday, I pretty much lost it for the rest of the day. I tried to enjoy our time together, but great anticipation of saying goodbye to the love of my life and my best friend was overwhelming me. We made it through and ended the day well. The next morning I had a different outlook and we found out that he wouldn't have to leave until almost midnight that day. We got to enjoy our day just being together. We had beautiful weather and we laughed and just loved on one another. The goodbye was still hard. It took all that we had for him to get out of the car and walk away and for me to stick those keys in the ignition and leave him. I shed tears all the way home, but once I was home I went to sleep and awoke, not with dreadful anticipation, but with great expectation. I had a peace and a calm that I could not have created on my own.

Oh ya, God is faithful. Had I forgotten? He promises to care for us, to give us peace beyond understanding, to calm our anxiousness, to give us hope and a future. He did not promise to change our circumstances or give us a different calling. This is it, our calling for this season. Many people consider it sacrifice, and it is, but more than that for us, it is obedience. And when we are obedient and trust our Father, He is faithful to give us freely what He has promised! I should not have joy or peace when I have no idea really where my husband is or when I will hear from him and that he is going to a war zone, but I do. People, that is not from me...I assure you!! So I hope to encourage with this: God is not always safe, but He is good...and He is faithful. Don't put your trust in the things around you, but in Him!

And, I wanted you just to know how thankful I am for you who pray for us, and for my amazing Army wife friends here who took me out and cared for me all day yesterday! What a blessing from God!!

A Springtime Update

So besides preparing for a deployment within the next month and a baby within the next 4 months or so, we have gotten to do a lot of traveling and enjoying our short time together!

In March, we had a great marriage retreat in Keystone, CO with about 50 couples. It was great to see my husband in action and to get to interact with these army couples in such a beautiful setting. Plus, Austin got to ski which he hasn't gotten to do much of since he got his skiing buddy pregnant! After that, I got to travel to Texas for my little sis's bridal shower. It was a quick trip, but I was so grateful to get to be apart of this fun time for her and to see my family. To finish off March, we took a little road trip to the same place we had our honeymoon in Crested Butte, Co. In April, we also were fortunate to travel to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (no we didn't bring back the swine flu) for my sister's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and an amazing vacation. All we did was eat and lay out my the beach and pool. The biggest task of my day was to get up and go save our beach loungers before breakfast!

We eventually had to come back to real life, but did have one surprise waiting for us...to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. I thought we were having a girl up until the night before when I dreamt we were having a little boy. My dream was correct and in September we welcome a little fella to our family! We are so excited, but have yet to settle on the name! We will keep you posted.

The last couple of weeks have been filled with varied emotions. We are trying to soak up each moment we have left together while trying to get all the preparations for a year apart completed. This leaves us with mixed emotions. We know without a doubt that God has called us to this place and called us to this deployment. That is the only peace I can hold onto...this is God's doing and it is good. That's hard to swallow when my pregnancy hormones swell up and I cannot handle the overwhelming emotions of loneliness and sadness at my husband's absence during this very delicate time. Yet, when I have dried my tears and finished pouring my heart out to God, I hear Him say that He has something very special and amazing planned for this time...something that we couldn't experience otherwise. Ok...I think I'm ready. Everyone says the anticipation is the worst part...and right now I have to agree. Waiting for your husband to leave you for a whole year is not pleasant. Preparing for all the unexpected, not knowing exactly how often or how you will be able to communicate, not knowing if your baby will hold off until Daddy is there to witness it, and not knowing what this war holds...all can leave you in an absolute mess. I am so glad that I have Jesus...because He knows all of that. I can walk through all of that because He already has walked through it for me and will walk with me during it. That is peace.

And we both have an excitement knowing that now our "real" ministry begins. God called us both to this as partners in the Gospel for this group of people. God has already placed in advance the good works He has for us to accomplish. I will be here and hopefully, have an amazing ministry to women as Austin is on the front lines in Afghanistan ministering to the soldiers. This is nothing we have done before and we ask humbly for your prayers...that God would accomplish His will through us and expand His Kingdom among these people, that we would grow in our spiritual walk as we learn to depend on Him in new ways, and that our marriage would not just survive, but flourish amidst this time of separation.

A few pics are included below from the last few months!

Love you all,
Heather

Austin on our vacation in Crested Butte, CO.


Me, Allison, and our Mom at Allison's Bridal Shower.


Austin and I in front of the famous arch in Cabo San Lucas.


Half-way there! Me at about 20 Weeks Pregnant.

Our Little Boy!

Packing for a Trip Without Me

As many of you know, Austin is an army chaplain to an infantry unit here at Fort Carson, Colorado. He will be deploying to Afghanistan for a year in the late spring. All of these facts seemed so distant to me and deployment, although inevitable, completely intangible--until this week. Austin and I have only been married for a little over 2 years, so to imagine being separated for a year is like living half of our marriage time apart. It just doesn't compute with me. Since we have been married almost every experience has included each other and now we will be leading completely separate lives for a year.

Then this Monday, the packing began. They have to pack several months early to make sure it all gets in there and goes through highly sensitive security testing. Since there hasn't been an official date set yet, him leaving always seemed just far enough away not to really affect me. Monday he went off to run errands to get things he needed. He brought home items that he would need for his deployment. After he had been upstairs for awhile packing, I went up there to check it out. I looked in one of the large green duffles and there were his personal things...things that belonged here where he was. I don't think it truly hit me until I saw him putting those things in that bag. Then I looked around the room and all the things that just seemed like matching camouflaged foreign objects stuck out to me...this was armor and he was going to be wearing it...my husband is leaving and he is going to war. I don't think I had really thought about this before. Now here I am completely filled to the brim with hormones and I can't help but be so sad and yet more proud than I can imagine.

I'm proud of him for following God's will and leading our family here although I know that will include huge sacrifices. I'm proud that he is willing and ready to go and to serve his country and our Amazing God. I am proud that he works so hard to love these men and women who are also willing to put their lives at risk for our freedom. I am proud because I see God fulfilling His purposes for Austin and Austin bearing much fruit and flourishing in this environment. I'm proud to be an army wife and I am proud to be Austin's wife.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that we will miss daily times sitting on the couch talking or watching TV. I'm sad that I won't wake up cuddled next to the love of my life. I'm sad that there will be things of this new child's life that he will miss. I'm sad because I will miss my best friend and all the laughs we share. I'm sad and a little scared because we are stepping into the unknown. I'm sad that we will celebrate Christmases, birthdays, and holidays a part.

All these things are apart of the world we chose and God led us to. I wouldn't trade them or ask not to go through them. I know they will make us better. I know they will strengthen our faith and our marriage. I know what God has promised to us. His protection, His guidance, His peace, His love and His unfailing grace to face any situation. But, for now, my sweetie is packing for a trip without me...and I'm just learning how to walk through that.

Being Almost Three Months Prego!

So we found out we were pregnant the day after we returned from our Texas Christmas vacation. It was a Sunday morning and I decided to take a test. I got up around 7 am, did my thing and hopped back in bed watching the clock until 5 minutes was up. I had an inkling that I might be, but didn't want to get my hopes up, so I didn't even say anything to Austin who was surely wondering why I was so squirmy and staring at the clock every 2 seconds. Finally the 5 minutes was up and I made my way back to look at the results. Since it was early (for a Sunday after a 15 hour drive the day before) and I didn't have my glasses on, it took me a minute to focus on that little stick...low and behold there were two lines! I literally rubbed my eyes to make sure I just wasn't seeing double. I grabbed the test and ran back to bed, jumping on my husband and shoving the test in his face! He was very confused and had no idea what I was showing him. I just yelled, "I'm pregnant!" We were excited and scared and anxious and elated all at the same time. We got dressed for church and went walking on clouds!

The next few days, panic set in as I recalled the excitement of the last time we went through this...a Sunday morning as well, right before Father's Day last June. I was scared. We had prayed, as so many of you had as well, for this little one. We desperately wanted this baby and I told God so often. As we spent the next week together, we tried to enjoy our news, but we both had a hard time really connecting to it. We were busy preparing for Austin to leave for training in Louisiana for a whole month. That month flew by in some ways, but in others dragged on. Morning (or shall we say all-day) sickness set in and most days I just felt like laying on the couch trying to keep from puking. We got to talk often, but all of this time apart brought on new fears that I had to give to the Lord.

Austin is going to be deploying to Afghanistan for a year sometime in late April/early May. We hope he will get to use his R&R (two week leave) to come home for the birth. We have no idea if this will work out, but we have given that to God. I have come to learn dependence on Him in a new way. I have to trust Him with my husband, this little life growing inside me, my loneliness, and my ability to be a "single" mother for a time. It's alot, but the Lord has been giving me a peace...not one I can even explain. He has provided prayer warriors to surround me and wonderful godly friends who I treasure. And He has given me an excellent marriage (not perfect), but strong because we are learning dependence on Him.

So yes, I am ready to feel better and it is happening week by week...although today is not one of those better days, but I am also learning so much about faith. A few weeks ago we got to go to our first real OB appointment for an exam and to hear the baby's heartbeat. Austin got to come in for the heart beat part. I thought this would have been a difficult week for me being 10 weeks pregnant (same week I lost the baby before), but I really must have been held in the arms of Jesus and people's prayers. I was calm and excited. The midwife could not find the heart beat at first. Sure, my first reaction would have been panic and thinking the worse, but God had prepared my mind. I'm not sure guys have the same time of preparation. They are not reminded daily that they are growing a little baby in them. Austin looked terrified. I consoled myself, beliveing everything was fine, and with the fact that they would wheel in the ultrasound machine and I would get to see my little miracle! When we saw that little precious thing...Oh my...it was amazing. The midwife had to keep telling me to sit back so she could get clear pictures and then she would freeze them to show me. I had a hard time...this is my baby...I want to see it for as long as I can. That little guy/girl was moving around like crazy...then she hit the audio. Oh the most precious sound of the heart fluttering! Truly awesome! We are blessed. So sickness can come and go...I'm trusting Jesus for this absolute miracle and for all the challenges coming up! God gave me this verse to hold on to: Psalm 113:9 which says, "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother." That is me. Praise God!

Yes, We are Pregnant!

I will post more on this topic soon, but here are the first pics of our new little one due on September 5, 2009. We will get to see him or her again on Monday!

Remembering Our Little "Jo(e)"

Today is February 13th, the would be due date of our little one we lost this summer. I knew this day was coming soon and I have no idea how to commemorate this date, but to share it with others. We named our first baby Jo(e). Since we did not yet know the sex of the baby, we didn't know whether to use the "e" at the end or not. He or she was graced with that name because it is my middle name and was my granddaddy's name.

Jo(e) we sure miss you today and would have loved to celebrate Valentine's Day welcoming you into our arms and lives. We know that you are with your Father enjoying all of Heaven with your Maker and Savior. We couldn't have asked for better for you. Your daddy and I look forward to the day that we meet you face to face. What a great reunion that will be. And what better day to meet than the day we meet our Savior face to face as well. You will always be our first baby and a great blessing from the Lord. You have already been a blessing in the lives of others who have suffered the same loss as Mommy and Daddy! We knew you would! Even for the short time you were "in" our lives made it that much more joyful. I love you my little Jo(e) and always will.

The Great Gift of Friendship

I love friendship. I've always tried to follow my mom's motto of being the great friend you would want. So I've tried to be a great friend, but I feel amazingly blessed at the friends God has given me.

There are so many different types of friendship. I would consider my mom and my sister some of my first best friends. There have been childhood friends whose memories I enjoy, but may have lost touch. I have new family friends in my lovely sister in laws. And friends that I have had in ministry: mentors, those who have been my rock during ministry, and those who I have ministered to who ultimately became lifelong friends.

Then there are those special friends who I now get to say we have been best friends for 10 years (Amy and Sarah...you know who you are!). Those friends that no matter what they accept you and have seen you through so many life stages: college, marriage and even children. We may be far apart, but they are friends I could say anything to...I mean anything!

I would be remissed without saying that, next to Jesus, my best friend in the whole world is also the love of my life, Austin. There is a whole new level of friendship in marriage that is so incredible. When he is not around I feel like half of myself. We are "thick as thieves" as he likes to say!

I would say that in my life, friendship ranks as one of my high priorities. When we moved, yet again, I was the most concerned with finding that very thing. Let me tell you, I found a new kind of friendship. There is something to be said for friendships in the military. Many of the other friendships in my life are so deep, but took a long time to form and grow. And while friendships do evolve and grow here, its amazing how quickly you form deep and meaningful friendships within the army community. I think part of it is the fact that you know you don't have that much time since you move every 2 to 3 years (and that's on the longer end). But another part is what you go through together. I really can't fully explain it or would have understood it myself living in the civilian world. We experience the separation of our husbands frequently and at some point for a year at a time. We essentially are all losing our best friends and life companions for chunks of time so we need friendship. You become fast friends out of necessity, but life long friends out of that sweet time spent together. I can't tell you how many people have asked me if the kid/baby I am holding or watching is mine (they aren't), but I have become second parent for many friends and it is a joy. But they are there for me to. I spent the first weekend night without my husband watching a movie in my friend (a girl) Corie's bed. I will spend many days shopping and laughing with my friend Kim. I went to lunch today with 3 other wonderful friends (one I just met today) and we laughed like friends for many years! These friends don't replace the ones who are already so dear to me, but add a unique layer in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. Praise be to God for His many gifts!

Belated Christmas Post

I have been meaning to post about our Christmas and New Year's since we returned from Texas a few weeks ago! Austin and I were spending as much time together as possible because we knew he would be leaving this week for JRTC (a training camp) for a month. We had a wonderful holiday together and with our families. We drove the 12 hours into Dallas and spent time with Dr. and Mrs. Vann (Austin's parents) and also with Aaron and Kim (brother and sis in law) and their sweet little Makennah. We enjoyed catching up with them, getting to hear Dr. Vann preach, and laughing a lot! We also got to see my sister's new and beautiful home in Fort Worth. She will be getting married on April 17th and we are so excited for her and her fiancee, Mike.

We arrived in Dallas on a Saturday and headed to Houston to visit my parents on a Tuesday. My parents had bought a Wii and let me just tell you that I don't think we have had a more fun Christmas! We played Wii until we were exhausted and were literally sore the next day. We attended a candlelight Christmas Eve service in which Austin was quite disappointed that we all didn't get our own candles--just the choir. That night we made a gingerbread house and finished wrapping presents. We spent Christmas day at my cousin, Alan and his wife, Kat's house. Kat is an amazing cook and it was gourmet and fabulous as usual! We were sad for such a short trip, but it was great. My parents gave me an amazing new camera and my sweet husband blessed me with a gorgeous new watch! We were so blessed! So that weekend we made the long (15 hour) trek back to Colorado Springs.

As much as we miss our family and friends in Texas, we could sense as we drove into the Springs, that we were home. That is a great feeling when your whole married life has been full of moving! We live in an amazing place and have already been surrounded by great friends. Which is great for me since I will spend much of my time here alone. This Christmas was even more special because it will most likely be the last one spent with my husband for 2 years. We realized this and are learning to never take our time together for granted. We felt like we were dating again and just really enjoying each other! I encourage everyone to feel like that in their marriage!


Our $10 Christmas tree we cut down from a National Forest (with a permit)



Kim and Makennah. Isn't she adorable!



Dad and Austin competing in a little Wii!



Austin and I on Christmas Eve



Me, My Mom, and My Sister on Christmas Eve



Our beautiful Gingerbread House



Our fun group on New Year's Eve. Toasting with our Sparkling Cider!