Packing for a Trip Without Me

As many of you know, Austin is an army chaplain to an infantry unit here at Fort Carson, Colorado. He will be deploying to Afghanistan for a year in the late spring. All of these facts seemed so distant to me and deployment, although inevitable, completely intangible--until this week. Austin and I have only been married for a little over 2 years, so to imagine being separated for a year is like living half of our marriage time apart. It just doesn't compute with me. Since we have been married almost every experience has included each other and now we will be leading completely separate lives for a year.

Then this Monday, the packing began. They have to pack several months early to make sure it all gets in there and goes through highly sensitive security testing. Since there hasn't been an official date set yet, him leaving always seemed just far enough away not to really affect me. Monday he went off to run errands to get things he needed. He brought home items that he would need for his deployment. After he had been upstairs for awhile packing, I went up there to check it out. I looked in one of the large green duffles and there were his personal things...things that belonged here where he was. I don't think it truly hit me until I saw him putting those things in that bag. Then I looked around the room and all the things that just seemed like matching camouflaged foreign objects stuck out to me...this was armor and he was going to be wearing it...my husband is leaving and he is going to war. I don't think I had really thought about this before. Now here I am completely filled to the brim with hormones and I can't help but be so sad and yet more proud than I can imagine.

I'm proud of him for following God's will and leading our family here although I know that will include huge sacrifices. I'm proud that he is willing and ready to go and to serve his country and our Amazing God. I am proud that he works so hard to love these men and women who are also willing to put their lives at risk for our freedom. I am proud because I see God fulfilling His purposes for Austin and Austin bearing much fruit and flourishing in this environment. I'm proud to be an army wife and I am proud to be Austin's wife.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that we will miss daily times sitting on the couch talking or watching TV. I'm sad that I won't wake up cuddled next to the love of my life. I'm sad that there will be things of this new child's life that he will miss. I'm sad because I will miss my best friend and all the laughs we share. I'm sad and a little scared because we are stepping into the unknown. I'm sad that we will celebrate Christmases, birthdays, and holidays a part.

All these things are apart of the world we chose and God led us to. I wouldn't trade them or ask not to go through them. I know they will make us better. I know they will strengthen our faith and our marriage. I know what God has promised to us. His protection, His guidance, His peace, His love and His unfailing grace to face any situation. But, for now, my sweetie is packing for a trip without me...and I'm just learning how to walk through that.