Great Anticipation turns to Great Expectation

I know many of you who are praying for Austin and I as we enter this time of separation due to deployment are wondering how we are doing. I just heard from our chaplain assistant's wife, that Austin has made it safely over seas all though it will be a few days before they make it to their final destination and he said to tell me that he loves me! On my side, the one I can speak more completely on, I'm doing really well. No, I'm not just saying that. I can't tell you what the anticipation for the last 9 months and especially the last couple of months has been like. I have had all the emotions that have ever existed. Sadness, anxiousness, excitement, grief, panic, joy, peace...you name it!! Anticipation was many times the enemy of enjoying time together. We put our last few weeks into making sure all the loose ends were tied up as we would be apart for the most part of a year.

The day before he left, his day to leave got moved up. I had awoken that day already in a funk. I even spent sometime with the Lord in the Word and yet I was just down. When Austin told me he would leave Wednesday rather than Thursday, I pretty much lost it for the rest of the day. I tried to enjoy our time together, but great anticipation of saying goodbye to the love of my life and my best friend was overwhelming me. We made it through and ended the day well. The next morning I had a different outlook and we found out that he wouldn't have to leave until almost midnight that day. We got to enjoy our day just being together. We had beautiful weather and we laughed and just loved on one another. The goodbye was still hard. It took all that we had for him to get out of the car and walk away and for me to stick those keys in the ignition and leave him. I shed tears all the way home, but once I was home I went to sleep and awoke, not with dreadful anticipation, but with great expectation. I had a peace and a calm that I could not have created on my own.

Oh ya, God is faithful. Had I forgotten? He promises to care for us, to give us peace beyond understanding, to calm our anxiousness, to give us hope and a future. He did not promise to change our circumstances or give us a different calling. This is it, our calling for this season. Many people consider it sacrifice, and it is, but more than that for us, it is obedience. And when we are obedient and trust our Father, He is faithful to give us freely what He has promised! I should not have joy or peace when I have no idea really where my husband is or when I will hear from him and that he is going to a war zone, but I do. People, that is not from me...I assure you!! So I hope to encourage with this: God is not always safe, but He is good...and He is faithful. Don't put your trust in the things around you, but in Him!

And, I wanted you just to know how thankful I am for you who pray for us, and for my amazing Army wife friends here who took me out and cared for me all day yesterday! What a blessing from God!!

A Springtime Update

So besides preparing for a deployment within the next month and a baby within the next 4 months or so, we have gotten to do a lot of traveling and enjoying our short time together!

In March, we had a great marriage retreat in Keystone, CO with about 50 couples. It was great to see my husband in action and to get to interact with these army couples in such a beautiful setting. Plus, Austin got to ski which he hasn't gotten to do much of since he got his skiing buddy pregnant! After that, I got to travel to Texas for my little sis's bridal shower. It was a quick trip, but I was so grateful to get to be apart of this fun time for her and to see my family. To finish off March, we took a little road trip to the same place we had our honeymoon in Crested Butte, Co. In April, we also were fortunate to travel to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (no we didn't bring back the swine flu) for my sister's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and an amazing vacation. All we did was eat and lay out my the beach and pool. The biggest task of my day was to get up and go save our beach loungers before breakfast!

We eventually had to come back to real life, but did have one surprise waiting for us...to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. I thought we were having a girl up until the night before when I dreamt we were having a little boy. My dream was correct and in September we welcome a little fella to our family! We are so excited, but have yet to settle on the name! We will keep you posted.

The last couple of weeks have been filled with varied emotions. We are trying to soak up each moment we have left together while trying to get all the preparations for a year apart completed. This leaves us with mixed emotions. We know without a doubt that God has called us to this place and called us to this deployment. That is the only peace I can hold onto...this is God's doing and it is good. That's hard to swallow when my pregnancy hormones swell up and I cannot handle the overwhelming emotions of loneliness and sadness at my husband's absence during this very delicate time. Yet, when I have dried my tears and finished pouring my heart out to God, I hear Him say that He has something very special and amazing planned for this time...something that we couldn't experience otherwise. Ok...I think I'm ready. Everyone says the anticipation is the worst part...and right now I have to agree. Waiting for your husband to leave you for a whole year is not pleasant. Preparing for all the unexpected, not knowing exactly how often or how you will be able to communicate, not knowing if your baby will hold off until Daddy is there to witness it, and not knowing what this war holds...all can leave you in an absolute mess. I am so glad that I have Jesus...because He knows all of that. I can walk through all of that because He already has walked through it for me and will walk with me during it. That is peace.

And we both have an excitement knowing that now our "real" ministry begins. God called us both to this as partners in the Gospel for this group of people. God has already placed in advance the good works He has for us to accomplish. I will be here and hopefully, have an amazing ministry to women as Austin is on the front lines in Afghanistan ministering to the soldiers. This is nothing we have done before and we ask humbly for your prayers...that God would accomplish His will through us and expand His Kingdom among these people, that we would grow in our spiritual walk as we learn to depend on Him in new ways, and that our marriage would not just survive, but flourish amidst this time of separation.

A few pics are included below from the last few months!

Love you all,
Heather

Austin on our vacation in Crested Butte, CO.


Me, Allison, and our Mom at Allison's Bridal Shower.


Austin and I in front of the famous arch in Cabo San Lucas.


Half-way there! Me at about 20 Weeks Pregnant.

Our Little Boy!

Packing for a Trip Without Me

As many of you know, Austin is an army chaplain to an infantry unit here at Fort Carson, Colorado. He will be deploying to Afghanistan for a year in the late spring. All of these facts seemed so distant to me and deployment, although inevitable, completely intangible--until this week. Austin and I have only been married for a little over 2 years, so to imagine being separated for a year is like living half of our marriage time apart. It just doesn't compute with me. Since we have been married almost every experience has included each other and now we will be leading completely separate lives for a year.

Then this Monday, the packing began. They have to pack several months early to make sure it all gets in there and goes through highly sensitive security testing. Since there hasn't been an official date set yet, him leaving always seemed just far enough away not to really affect me. Monday he went off to run errands to get things he needed. He brought home items that he would need for his deployment. After he had been upstairs for awhile packing, I went up there to check it out. I looked in one of the large green duffles and there were his personal things...things that belonged here where he was. I don't think it truly hit me until I saw him putting those things in that bag. Then I looked around the room and all the things that just seemed like matching camouflaged foreign objects stuck out to me...this was armor and he was going to be wearing it...my husband is leaving and he is going to war. I don't think I had really thought about this before. Now here I am completely filled to the brim with hormones and I can't help but be so sad and yet more proud than I can imagine.

I'm proud of him for following God's will and leading our family here although I know that will include huge sacrifices. I'm proud that he is willing and ready to go and to serve his country and our Amazing God. I am proud that he works so hard to love these men and women who are also willing to put their lives at risk for our freedom. I am proud because I see God fulfilling His purposes for Austin and Austin bearing much fruit and flourishing in this environment. I'm proud to be an army wife and I am proud to be Austin's wife.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that we will miss daily times sitting on the couch talking or watching TV. I'm sad that I won't wake up cuddled next to the love of my life. I'm sad that there will be things of this new child's life that he will miss. I'm sad because I will miss my best friend and all the laughs we share. I'm sad and a little scared because we are stepping into the unknown. I'm sad that we will celebrate Christmases, birthdays, and holidays a part.

All these things are apart of the world we chose and God led us to. I wouldn't trade them or ask not to go through them. I know they will make us better. I know they will strengthen our faith and our marriage. I know what God has promised to us. His protection, His guidance, His peace, His love and His unfailing grace to face any situation. But, for now, my sweetie is packing for a trip without me...and I'm just learning how to walk through that.

Being Almost Three Months Prego!

So we found out we were pregnant the day after we returned from our Texas Christmas vacation. It was a Sunday morning and I decided to take a test. I got up around 7 am, did my thing and hopped back in bed watching the clock until 5 minutes was up. I had an inkling that I might be, but didn't want to get my hopes up, so I didn't even say anything to Austin who was surely wondering why I was so squirmy and staring at the clock every 2 seconds. Finally the 5 minutes was up and I made my way back to look at the results. Since it was early (for a Sunday after a 15 hour drive the day before) and I didn't have my glasses on, it took me a minute to focus on that little stick...low and behold there were two lines! I literally rubbed my eyes to make sure I just wasn't seeing double. I grabbed the test and ran back to bed, jumping on my husband and shoving the test in his face! He was very confused and had no idea what I was showing him. I just yelled, "I'm pregnant!" We were excited and scared and anxious and elated all at the same time. We got dressed for church and went walking on clouds!

The next few days, panic set in as I recalled the excitement of the last time we went through this...a Sunday morning as well, right before Father's Day last June. I was scared. We had prayed, as so many of you had as well, for this little one. We desperately wanted this baby and I told God so often. As we spent the next week together, we tried to enjoy our news, but we both had a hard time really connecting to it. We were busy preparing for Austin to leave for training in Louisiana for a whole month. That month flew by in some ways, but in others dragged on. Morning (or shall we say all-day) sickness set in and most days I just felt like laying on the couch trying to keep from puking. We got to talk often, but all of this time apart brought on new fears that I had to give to the Lord.

Austin is going to be deploying to Afghanistan for a year sometime in late April/early May. We hope he will get to use his R&R (two week leave) to come home for the birth. We have no idea if this will work out, but we have given that to God. I have come to learn dependence on Him in a new way. I have to trust Him with my husband, this little life growing inside me, my loneliness, and my ability to be a "single" mother for a time. It's alot, but the Lord has been giving me a peace...not one I can even explain. He has provided prayer warriors to surround me and wonderful godly friends who I treasure. And He has given me an excellent marriage (not perfect), but strong because we are learning dependence on Him.

So yes, I am ready to feel better and it is happening week by week...although today is not one of those better days, but I am also learning so much about faith. A few weeks ago we got to go to our first real OB appointment for an exam and to hear the baby's heartbeat. Austin got to come in for the heart beat part. I thought this would have been a difficult week for me being 10 weeks pregnant (same week I lost the baby before), but I really must have been held in the arms of Jesus and people's prayers. I was calm and excited. The midwife could not find the heart beat at first. Sure, my first reaction would have been panic and thinking the worse, but God had prepared my mind. I'm not sure guys have the same time of preparation. They are not reminded daily that they are growing a little baby in them. Austin looked terrified. I consoled myself, beliveing everything was fine, and with the fact that they would wheel in the ultrasound machine and I would get to see my little miracle! When we saw that little precious thing...Oh my...it was amazing. The midwife had to keep telling me to sit back so she could get clear pictures and then she would freeze them to show me. I had a hard time...this is my baby...I want to see it for as long as I can. That little guy/girl was moving around like crazy...then she hit the audio. Oh the most precious sound of the heart fluttering! Truly awesome! We are blessed. So sickness can come and go...I'm trusting Jesus for this absolute miracle and for all the challenges coming up! God gave me this verse to hold on to: Psalm 113:9 which says, "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother." That is me. Praise God!

Yes, We are Pregnant!

I will post more on this topic soon, but here are the first pics of our new little one due on September 5, 2009. We will get to see him or her again on Monday!

Remembering Our Little "Jo(e)"

Today is February 13th, the would be due date of our little one we lost this summer. I knew this day was coming soon and I have no idea how to commemorate this date, but to share it with others. We named our first baby Jo(e). Since we did not yet know the sex of the baby, we didn't know whether to use the "e" at the end or not. He or she was graced with that name because it is my middle name and was my granddaddy's name.

Jo(e) we sure miss you today and would have loved to celebrate Valentine's Day welcoming you into our arms and lives. We know that you are with your Father enjoying all of Heaven with your Maker and Savior. We couldn't have asked for better for you. Your daddy and I look forward to the day that we meet you face to face. What a great reunion that will be. And what better day to meet than the day we meet our Savior face to face as well. You will always be our first baby and a great blessing from the Lord. You have already been a blessing in the lives of others who have suffered the same loss as Mommy and Daddy! We knew you would! Even for the short time you were "in" our lives made it that much more joyful. I love you my little Jo(e) and always will.

The Great Gift of Friendship

I love friendship. I've always tried to follow my mom's motto of being the great friend you would want. So I've tried to be a great friend, but I feel amazingly blessed at the friends God has given me.

There are so many different types of friendship. I would consider my mom and my sister some of my first best friends. There have been childhood friends whose memories I enjoy, but may have lost touch. I have new family friends in my lovely sister in laws. And friends that I have had in ministry: mentors, those who have been my rock during ministry, and those who I have ministered to who ultimately became lifelong friends.

Then there are those special friends who I now get to say we have been best friends for 10 years (Amy and Sarah...you know who you are!). Those friends that no matter what they accept you and have seen you through so many life stages: college, marriage and even children. We may be far apart, but they are friends I could say anything to...I mean anything!

I would be remissed without saying that, next to Jesus, my best friend in the whole world is also the love of my life, Austin. There is a whole new level of friendship in marriage that is so incredible. When he is not around I feel like half of myself. We are "thick as thieves" as he likes to say!

I would say that in my life, friendship ranks as one of my high priorities. When we moved, yet again, I was the most concerned with finding that very thing. Let me tell you, I found a new kind of friendship. There is something to be said for friendships in the military. Many of the other friendships in my life are so deep, but took a long time to form and grow. And while friendships do evolve and grow here, its amazing how quickly you form deep and meaningful friendships within the army community. I think part of it is the fact that you know you don't have that much time since you move every 2 to 3 years (and that's on the longer end). But another part is what you go through together. I really can't fully explain it or would have understood it myself living in the civilian world. We experience the separation of our husbands frequently and at some point for a year at a time. We essentially are all losing our best friends and life companions for chunks of time so we need friendship. You become fast friends out of necessity, but life long friends out of that sweet time spent together. I can't tell you how many people have asked me if the kid/baby I am holding or watching is mine (they aren't), but I have become second parent for many friends and it is a joy. But they are there for me to. I spent the first weekend night without my husband watching a movie in my friend (a girl) Corie's bed. I will spend many days shopping and laughing with my friend Kim. I went to lunch today with 3 other wonderful friends (one I just met today) and we laughed like friends for many years! These friends don't replace the ones who are already so dear to me, but add a unique layer in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. Praise be to God for His many gifts!