The End of an Era, A Great New Year

So as 2009 came to a close, I began to reflect over the past decade. I turned 20 years old in 2000 and was a junior in college not knowing what lie ahead for the next 10 years of my life. During this decade, I moved to upstate NY for almost 4 years doing campus ministry, graduated from college, met and married my husband, graduated from seminary, lived in 4 different states, and had a beautiful baby boy! Wow! What a decade. I celebrate the end of it and the beginning of the '10's (?) by turning 30 next week! I would say it was a pretty great 10 years. God taught me so much through challenging me as a single person, ministry, a wife and now a mother. It is truly the end of an era, but more importantly it is the beginning of a new chapter and a great new year!

This year my husband comes home from a year at war, my dad WILL defeat his cancer and be healed completely, my little baby will turn a year old, and my baby sister will have her first child! I'm looking forward to all God has for our family. 2009 was a challenging year spiritually, emotionally, and physically and I don't regret the challenges we have had to walk through because of where they have brought us. I feel that we have all learned about serving one another, putting others above yourself. We have learned to depend on God for things out of our control--pretty much everything right now! I have gotten to know my family in a new way spending months with my grandparents who celebrated 61 years of marriage this years. Living in a house with 4 generations will certainly teach you some things! I have become closer to my dad as we have had several great spiritual conversations. My mom has become my mentor as a mom and of course, an even closer friend! My sister and I have drawn closer as we watch our parents walk through this difficult journey. Austin and I have learned the importance of a marriage grounded in our Savior and working at communicating well. We are more grateful than ever for one another! I have learned the beauty of being a mom. It is truly an experience like no other. It is hard, wonderful, scary, exciting, fulfilling, fun, challenging, emotional, fantastic, and sleep depriving...the most rewarding thing I have ever done thus far! My little boy will turn 5 months old next week. I can't believe he has been in my life that long, yet I can't imagine my life without him in it! (Will post specifically about Ezra next post!)

Oh what a decade it was! But as I look back and reflect, I see the thread of a God seeking to make us a little more like him and a God who is continually wooing us to himself. I am grateful and my hope is that he will be glorified above all else in my life and the life of my family! Let's do this 2010!

Being Thankful

I am continually learning how selfish I can be. I think having a baby will do that to you! Just a few months ago I was fighting to get more than 3 hours of sleep a night and once Ezra began sleeping through the night, I had more "me" time. I felt like a new person and who can blame a new mom for feeling so great once her baby was sleeping more. I was getting more sleep and getting more done...heavenly!

Then on our trip back to TX for the holidays, Ezra went through his 3 month growth spurt- eating like crazy and not sleeping. My little angel who slept for 11 hours at night was waking me at all hours and NOT going back to sleep. My attitude became bad...I had a right to MY sleep. Didn't my 3 month old realize he was cutting into MY time??? No, he didn't. And again I realize I am selfish. I know it's tough being a mom (toughest and most rewarding job I've ever had!), but my heart attitude effected me and I found myself angry and frustrated. I was reading The Baby Whisperer and online looking for solutions all day and night!

Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, it occured to me as I was holding my little boy trying to get him to take a nap that I was not being thankful at all. I said I was thankful for him and yet I was frustrated at something that was not his fault. The rest of that day, when he cried, I reminded myself to be thankful that his lungs work so well. When he woke me up in the night to eat, I thought how thankful I am he can eat on his own and doesn't have to have a feeding tube. When he smiles at the sound of my voice or cries at the sound of it because he's hungry, I remind myself to be thankful that he can hear me. He is healthy and happy, and as I became thankful, I found joy at being his mom again--even when he awoke at 4:30am. So I'm learning to be thankful even when things are hard because I am so blessed. And, God gives me the strength and grace each day to be a good mom despite sleepless nights!


How could I not be thankful for this little guy!


Yes he is always this happy!

I Miss My Men

Most of you know that my husband is deployed and, of course, I miss him on a daily basis. There are times when I just feel like half a person. God is faithful to complete me emotionally, but their are times where I just want a man to do something for me. It may sound silly, but I miss a partner to do life with. Someone who is also Ezra's parent to comfort him and feed him his 6am bottle or 4am when he's going through a growth spurt. To take out the trash, take care of the cars, and help me make decisions. I can do all these things myself...that's not the point. I just miss someone to do them. I miss my Austin.

I also find myself back in Houston missing my dad. Yes he is here and fighting his cancer so strongly, but the dad I know is not here right now. I hurt for him that he can't do the things he wants and loves to do right now. On the way to Houston from Dallas, Ezra's portable swing broke. I was just thinking I wish my daddy was here to fix it. Maybe that is a selfish reason to want him here and healthy, but serving us girls is one way my dad shows love to us. I know he misses it as much as we do. Now here we are taking care of him, serving him. We do it gratefully, but we miss our dad and our husbands as we ladies depend on the Lord and one another to get those things done.

I love you Austin, and miss you and your partnership. I love you dad...let's kick this cancer in the rear!

Almost Half Way...

So I wanted to be one who writes on my blog more...Wasn't sure what to write about today. Austin and I are almost half way through our deployment which seems totally crazy. We have been apart now for almost 6 mos. I didn't think I could do it, and I cannot! Only God has sustanined me through all of this craziness. It has been 2mos (almost 3mos) since I saw my hubby last. Communication has not been great as he has moved locations and they are not yet completely set up. We have only been able to talk twice a week at best. We still have email and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for a husband who loves the Lord, loves people, loves his country, loves his son, and especially who loves and cares for me despite the miles between us. I am thankful for my beautiful son who I fall more in love with every day...wow it is such a challenge and a blessing to be a mom! I am thankful for my awesome support system of women here in Colorado Springs...I could not do this deployment as well without all their help and encouragement. I pray that I am as much of a blessing to them. I am thankful for my family who are so loving and supportive of me even when they are going through one of the biggest trials of their lives! I am thankful for the ministry we have to the soldiers and their wives, the beautiful house I am living in FOR FREE, all we have been provided...and mostly thankful for a God and a Savior who provide for my every need and who is worth worshipping...Ok so I guess I needed to just be thankful. It puts me in the right mindset everytime. I'll just include some pics of a few of these I am thankful for!

Fear

It's hard to see the fear inside
As I walk away from you
And distance overcomes the miles
As slowly I pull through
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from you
And the more I think, the more I cry
As I walk away from you

[Chorus:]
I'm two steps away
From loneliness
I'm awake
From the mess we made
I'm alive
And I'm feeling incomplete

I don't understand my life
Or the version that chose you
And the warring hearts and winter came
Now there's nothing left to do
And I cannot reach the world today
Cuz I'm suffering from two
And the more I think, the more we die
As I walk away from you



As I watched this dance last night on So You Think You Can Dance. I was moved to tears. For most people, they cannot understand how dance might do this to you. But many times as I have watched people dancing I have seen God move in my life. This beautiful dance portrays a woman struggling with fear. For many women with deployed husbands, this is a huge struggle for them. I remember before Austin left for Afghanistan people would ask me if I was afraid for his safety or even his life. My answer was usually, "No, he's a chaplain. He doesn't carry a weapon or go into battle." I was completely unaware that Satan was getting ready to attack every ounce of my being with fear throughout the next few months. Sometimes I had reason to be afraid as Austin traveled on dangerous roads to meet with soldiers in other areas, but sometimes I just felt fear as a cloud over me. I never expected to struggle in this way and Satan's arrows were fierce and unsuspecting. Now that I have realized my struggle with fear, I have to bring it sometimes daily before God because I cannot hold onto it. I would drown beneath it. Maybe your fear is different than mine, but fear is a tool Satan uses to make us ineffective where we "cannot reach the world today." I hope you can take from this secular expression of fear and see the spiritual battle it represents in so many of our lives.

Everyone Needs a Battle Buddy (or 2!)

In the army, soldiers have battle buddies. Another comrade to look out for them in the heat and unpredictableness of the battle. I think Army wives need the same, especially during the deployment.

Today, as I was walking around running errands, I was thanking God for my battle buddies. Of course, my family would fall into the category of helpful and a blessing to me during this time of separation from Austin. But, nothing compares to people who are walking right there along with you in the same situation. I am blessed to call some very special women my battle buddies!

Kim is one of my battle buddies who is actually staying with me right now. Her and her husband and son are living with us right now. They are about to move to NY and I'm about to have to say goodbye to a very very good friend. Kim and I have only known each other a little over a year, but have been apart of some very big things in each others' lives. I was with her for her whole deployment and she has been with me through about half of mine. She has been my labor coach and was actually there for the birth of Ezra! We have done life together. Right now, she has been an incredible blessing by helping me with Ezra and even feeding him in the middle of the night so I could sleep a whole 8 hours! She has cooked meals now and almost the whole summer for me when Austin and Joe were both deployed. We continually bounce things off each other from relationships and parenting to spiritual things. Man, I'm gonna miss her!

So in many ways I feel like this year is so hard because my husband is gone and I have a new baby... but if not for these things I wouldn't get to know the joy and blessing of this kind of friendship! God has definitely met all my needs during this time and many times it has been with people like Kim!

Not what I had planned...

I have thought about blogging many times in the last 10 weeks about what has been going on in my life and my family's life, but every time I tried I just felt overwhelmed. This was not what I had planned...

Ezra came 2 weeks early...
Austin missed the birth...
Austin comes home for R&R two weeks early...
My dad's back problems turned into cancer - stage 4 lymphoma...

I had planned that my husband would be gone this year, but in my plans things would go much different. I had tons of things planned to make my year go by faster; to make a difference ministering to soldiers' wives; to improve myself in the process. Things don't always go as planned, but I have no doubt that God is using this time to strengthen me and mold me into the woman he wants me to be. The result...

Ezra has gotten to be around his grandparents...
I have gotten to be closer to my family...
My dad has Ezra as his little ray of hope admist sickness...
I am able to bless my family and help them during their time of need...
I'm learning what a blessing people can be in your life when you have true needs...
I'm hoping it makes me a better "blesser" of people in the future...

Definitely not what I had planned, but most likely better!

Often times