Packing for a Trip Without Me

As many of you know, Austin is an army chaplain to an infantry unit here at Fort Carson, Colorado. He will be deploying to Afghanistan for a year in the late spring. All of these facts seemed so distant to me and deployment, although inevitable, completely intangible--until this week. Austin and I have only been married for a little over 2 years, so to imagine being separated for a year is like living half of our marriage time apart. It just doesn't compute with me. Since we have been married almost every experience has included each other and now we will be leading completely separate lives for a year.

Then this Monday, the packing began. They have to pack several months early to make sure it all gets in there and goes through highly sensitive security testing. Since there hasn't been an official date set yet, him leaving always seemed just far enough away not to really affect me. Monday he went off to run errands to get things he needed. He brought home items that he would need for his deployment. After he had been upstairs for awhile packing, I went up there to check it out. I looked in one of the large green duffles and there were his personal things...things that belonged here where he was. I don't think it truly hit me until I saw him putting those things in that bag. Then I looked around the room and all the things that just seemed like matching camouflaged foreign objects stuck out to me...this was armor and he was going to be wearing it...my husband is leaving and he is going to war. I don't think I had really thought about this before. Now here I am completely filled to the brim with hormones and I can't help but be so sad and yet more proud than I can imagine.

I'm proud of him for following God's will and leading our family here although I know that will include huge sacrifices. I'm proud that he is willing and ready to go and to serve his country and our Amazing God. I am proud that he works so hard to love these men and women who are also willing to put their lives at risk for our freedom. I am proud because I see God fulfilling His purposes for Austin and Austin bearing much fruit and flourishing in this environment. I'm proud to be an army wife and I am proud to be Austin's wife.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that we will miss daily times sitting on the couch talking or watching TV. I'm sad that I won't wake up cuddled next to the love of my life. I'm sad that there will be things of this new child's life that he will miss. I'm sad because I will miss my best friend and all the laughs we share. I'm sad and a little scared because we are stepping into the unknown. I'm sad that we will celebrate Christmases, birthdays, and holidays a part.

All these things are apart of the world we chose and God led us to. I wouldn't trade them or ask not to go through them. I know they will make us better. I know they will strengthen our faith and our marriage. I know what God has promised to us. His protection, His guidance, His peace, His love and His unfailing grace to face any situation. But, for now, my sweetie is packing for a trip without me...and I'm just learning how to walk through that.

Being Almost Three Months Prego!

So we found out we were pregnant the day after we returned from our Texas Christmas vacation. It was a Sunday morning and I decided to take a test. I got up around 7 am, did my thing and hopped back in bed watching the clock until 5 minutes was up. I had an inkling that I might be, but didn't want to get my hopes up, so I didn't even say anything to Austin who was surely wondering why I was so squirmy and staring at the clock every 2 seconds. Finally the 5 minutes was up and I made my way back to look at the results. Since it was early (for a Sunday after a 15 hour drive the day before) and I didn't have my glasses on, it took me a minute to focus on that little stick...low and behold there were two lines! I literally rubbed my eyes to make sure I just wasn't seeing double. I grabbed the test and ran back to bed, jumping on my husband and shoving the test in his face! He was very confused and had no idea what I was showing him. I just yelled, "I'm pregnant!" We were excited and scared and anxious and elated all at the same time. We got dressed for church and went walking on clouds!

The next few days, panic set in as I recalled the excitement of the last time we went through this...a Sunday morning as well, right before Father's Day last June. I was scared. We had prayed, as so many of you had as well, for this little one. We desperately wanted this baby and I told God so often. As we spent the next week together, we tried to enjoy our news, but we both had a hard time really connecting to it. We were busy preparing for Austin to leave for training in Louisiana for a whole month. That month flew by in some ways, but in others dragged on. Morning (or shall we say all-day) sickness set in and most days I just felt like laying on the couch trying to keep from puking. We got to talk often, but all of this time apart brought on new fears that I had to give to the Lord.

Austin is going to be deploying to Afghanistan for a year sometime in late April/early May. We hope he will get to use his R&R (two week leave) to come home for the birth. We have no idea if this will work out, but we have given that to God. I have come to learn dependence on Him in a new way. I have to trust Him with my husband, this little life growing inside me, my loneliness, and my ability to be a "single" mother for a time. It's alot, but the Lord has been giving me a peace...not one I can even explain. He has provided prayer warriors to surround me and wonderful godly friends who I treasure. And He has given me an excellent marriage (not perfect), but strong because we are learning dependence on Him.

So yes, I am ready to feel better and it is happening week by week...although today is not one of those better days, but I am also learning so much about faith. A few weeks ago we got to go to our first real OB appointment for an exam and to hear the baby's heartbeat. Austin got to come in for the heart beat part. I thought this would have been a difficult week for me being 10 weeks pregnant (same week I lost the baby before), but I really must have been held in the arms of Jesus and people's prayers. I was calm and excited. The midwife could not find the heart beat at first. Sure, my first reaction would have been panic and thinking the worse, but God had prepared my mind. I'm not sure guys have the same time of preparation. They are not reminded daily that they are growing a little baby in them. Austin looked terrified. I consoled myself, beliveing everything was fine, and with the fact that they would wheel in the ultrasound machine and I would get to see my little miracle! When we saw that little precious thing...Oh my...it was amazing. The midwife had to keep telling me to sit back so she could get clear pictures and then she would freeze them to show me. I had a hard time...this is my baby...I want to see it for as long as I can. That little guy/girl was moving around like crazy...then she hit the audio. Oh the most precious sound of the heart fluttering! Truly awesome! We are blessed. So sickness can come and go...I'm trusting Jesus for this absolute miracle and for all the challenges coming up! God gave me this verse to hold on to: Psalm 113:9 which says, "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother." That is me. Praise God!

Yes, We are Pregnant!

I will post more on this topic soon, but here are the first pics of our new little one due on September 5, 2009. We will get to see him or her again on Monday!

Remembering Our Little "Jo(e)"

Today is February 13th, the would be due date of our little one we lost this summer. I knew this day was coming soon and I have no idea how to commemorate this date, but to share it with others. We named our first baby Jo(e). Since we did not yet know the sex of the baby, we didn't know whether to use the "e" at the end or not. He or she was graced with that name because it is my middle name and was my granddaddy's name.

Jo(e) we sure miss you today and would have loved to celebrate Valentine's Day welcoming you into our arms and lives. We know that you are with your Father enjoying all of Heaven with your Maker and Savior. We couldn't have asked for better for you. Your daddy and I look forward to the day that we meet you face to face. What a great reunion that will be. And what better day to meet than the day we meet our Savior face to face as well. You will always be our first baby and a great blessing from the Lord. You have already been a blessing in the lives of others who have suffered the same loss as Mommy and Daddy! We knew you would! Even for the short time you were "in" our lives made it that much more joyful. I love you my little Jo(e) and always will.

The Great Gift of Friendship

I love friendship. I've always tried to follow my mom's motto of being the great friend you would want. So I've tried to be a great friend, but I feel amazingly blessed at the friends God has given me.

There are so many different types of friendship. I would consider my mom and my sister some of my first best friends. There have been childhood friends whose memories I enjoy, but may have lost touch. I have new family friends in my lovely sister in laws. And friends that I have had in ministry: mentors, those who have been my rock during ministry, and those who I have ministered to who ultimately became lifelong friends.

Then there are those special friends who I now get to say we have been best friends for 10 years (Amy and Sarah...you know who you are!). Those friends that no matter what they accept you and have seen you through so many life stages: college, marriage and even children. We may be far apart, but they are friends I could say anything to...I mean anything!

I would be remissed without saying that, next to Jesus, my best friend in the whole world is also the love of my life, Austin. There is a whole new level of friendship in marriage that is so incredible. When he is not around I feel like half of myself. We are "thick as thieves" as he likes to say!

I would say that in my life, friendship ranks as one of my high priorities. When we moved, yet again, I was the most concerned with finding that very thing. Let me tell you, I found a new kind of friendship. There is something to be said for friendships in the military. Many of the other friendships in my life are so deep, but took a long time to form and grow. And while friendships do evolve and grow here, its amazing how quickly you form deep and meaningful friendships within the army community. I think part of it is the fact that you know you don't have that much time since you move every 2 to 3 years (and that's on the longer end). But another part is what you go through together. I really can't fully explain it or would have understood it myself living in the civilian world. We experience the separation of our husbands frequently and at some point for a year at a time. We essentially are all losing our best friends and life companions for chunks of time so we need friendship. You become fast friends out of necessity, but life long friends out of that sweet time spent together. I can't tell you how many people have asked me if the kid/baby I am holding or watching is mine (they aren't), but I have become second parent for many friends and it is a joy. But they are there for me to. I spent the first weekend night without my husband watching a movie in my friend (a girl) Corie's bed. I will spend many days shopping and laughing with my friend Kim. I went to lunch today with 3 other wonderful friends (one I just met today) and we laughed like friends for many years! These friends don't replace the ones who are already so dear to me, but add a unique layer in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. Praise be to God for His many gifts!

Belated Christmas Post

I have been meaning to post about our Christmas and New Year's since we returned from Texas a few weeks ago! Austin and I were spending as much time together as possible because we knew he would be leaving this week for JRTC (a training camp) for a month. We had a wonderful holiday together and with our families. We drove the 12 hours into Dallas and spent time with Dr. and Mrs. Vann (Austin's parents) and also with Aaron and Kim (brother and sis in law) and their sweet little Makennah. We enjoyed catching up with them, getting to hear Dr. Vann preach, and laughing a lot! We also got to see my sister's new and beautiful home in Fort Worth. She will be getting married on April 17th and we are so excited for her and her fiancee, Mike.

We arrived in Dallas on a Saturday and headed to Houston to visit my parents on a Tuesday. My parents had bought a Wii and let me just tell you that I don't think we have had a more fun Christmas! We played Wii until we were exhausted and were literally sore the next day. We attended a candlelight Christmas Eve service in which Austin was quite disappointed that we all didn't get our own candles--just the choir. That night we made a gingerbread house and finished wrapping presents. We spent Christmas day at my cousin, Alan and his wife, Kat's house. Kat is an amazing cook and it was gourmet and fabulous as usual! We were sad for such a short trip, but it was great. My parents gave me an amazing new camera and my sweet husband blessed me with a gorgeous new watch! We were so blessed! So that weekend we made the long (15 hour) trek back to Colorado Springs.

As much as we miss our family and friends in Texas, we could sense as we drove into the Springs, that we were home. That is a great feeling when your whole married life has been full of moving! We live in an amazing place and have already been surrounded by great friends. Which is great for me since I will spend much of my time here alone. This Christmas was even more special because it will most likely be the last one spent with my husband for 2 years. We realized this and are learning to never take our time together for granted. We felt like we were dating again and just really enjoying each other! I encourage everyone to feel like that in their marriage!


Our $10 Christmas tree we cut down from a National Forest (with a permit)



Kim and Makennah. Isn't she adorable!



Dad and Austin competing in a little Wii!



Austin and I on Christmas Eve



Me, My Mom, and My Sister on Christmas Eve



Our beautiful Gingerbread House



Our fun group on New Year's Eve. Toasting with our Sparkling Cider!

Skiing through Thanksgiving and Christmas Trees!

So I know you all have been on the edge of your seat wondering if I would "get back on the horse" and try skiing again. You all can rest secure, I did! Over the Thanksgiving holiday Austin and I along with another couple, The Whites, headed up to Keystone for what I hoped would be a much much better skiing experience. With my bruises from the last time almost completely healed, I convinced myself that I could ski and could have fun! I guess attitude is important! We had a great time. The first day I fell a little. I told Austin he could go on any runs he wanted, but I was going to master the green (easiest) runs. As I got better, I fell less and less. By the end of the second day I was having fun, although still sore, and I knew each and every bump, turn and dip of those green runs! On the third day, we were basically in blizzard conditions, with the most beautiful powder I have ever seen. It was so much fun! I was zipping down blue (intermediate)runs. Yah, baby! I am officially addicted to skiing and we are going again with Austin's unit next weekend. What a great thanksgiving to eat all we wanted with no guilt because we literally exercised for three days straight!

So my spiritual connection to the story is that, once you get knocked down and defeated, you must get up and trust that you can get down that mountain and enjoy it! Sometimes God wants us to go back to the basics and really get to know Him just like I had to take the time to know the "easiest" run again and "master" it (I know we can never "master" it and I will have to go back sometimes). God came to give us an abundant life with Him. I enjoyed being in His creation and sometimes I got really scared (scared of falling or not being good enough to get down). I would convince myself that I had the ability and was equipped to get down the mountain. I learned how to talk myself out of a fall!

On another note, we moved on post this week (yes, we moved again...I think number 5 since we have been married). It was a lot of work even with movers, but we love our place and I will post pics as soon as I can get my camera working. Then yesterday, we decided to get away from boxes for a few hours and go cut down our Christmas Tree. I know what you are thinking...that is so fun to go to a Christmas tree farm and cut down your little perfect tree! Nope! This year we found out that we could go to Pike's Peak National Park and cut down our own tree with a $10 permit fee. We bought our little bow saw and had our map. Let me tell you this is no Christmas Tree farm...this is a freakin' forest!! We took one road and I literally felt like I was on a crazy snow roller coaster. There were no rails, hairpin turns, big rocky bolders, and no one else to rescue us. It was an adventure. We searched for a couple of hours to find our "perfect" tree. We sang Christmas carols and tramped out in the snow. These trees are either huge or not full at all. So we found our tree...sort of a really fat version of the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. We call it ghettofabulous. We decorated it last night and laughed as you can see ornaments from one side of the tree while standing on the other side. But it is our first tree together and we found it and cut it down ourselves! I love it! Posted below are pics from the cell phone. I'll post better ones later! Also is one of Austin out in the field.